Help, I Want Off of This Rollercoaster: Parenting in the Time of Quarantine.
Several hours past what is normally bedtime for our four year old and here I go into the room that she has barricaded herself in after screaming, waking siblings, throwing things, and saying that she hates me. I am exhausted. It has been a long day of difficult emotions for my children and for me. Just before I walk in the door I am feeling so much anger toward this little human that I love so much that I have to pause and catch my breath. I go inside, sit on a chair and put my arms out for her to crawl in. The screaming immediately turned to sobs as she curled up in my lap and let all of the tears and tenseness out of her tiny body.
I can’t really blame her for these rough outbursts. Sure they hurt my heart, make me angry and bring a whole new level of fatigue to an already exhausting situation but I am having my own meltdowns too. I don’t throw things or scream as loud as I can to wake children but I am short with my husband and kids, am overly reactive to what are typically small annoyances, and I have cried in the shower more than once since this whole thing started.
We are going through a traumatic experience right now and we are all trying to figure out how to manage it the best that we can. Every human being on our planet has had their world up-ended in one way or another.
I have to ask you to take a moment and consider what you are feeling: loss, fear, sorrow, overwhelm? Those are hard feelings to manage, now imagine those feelings in your children and remember that they may not know what these feelings are or what they can do with them. That lump in their throat, flutter in their stomach, seething under their skin, they may have no idea what that is. Can you imagine how terrifying that would be? On top of that children are very intuitive and can feel that you are having big feelings as well but may not know if those feelings are about them, if they are safe, or if they will ever go away.
This moment in history is asking a lot of the little people in our lives, just as it is asking a lot of us. It is okay for you to be struggling and it is okay for your children to be struggling.
That is not the end though, here are some tips to get you all through.
HELP- Healing Each other with Love and Peace
Too crunchy for you? Hear me out. When my daughter was having her meltdown that I mentioned at the start of this article I was upset too and boy did I want to be upset at her. I could have yelled back, I could have doled out punitive punishments, and upped the ante as she did. But, all of that would have made the stakes of this situation much higher and the consequences to not only our hearts and relationship but to our chance for an easier tomorrow a dire lost hope.
So, when I took that breath before walking in I though HELP and I remembered that her emotions were as wrought as mine. I remembered that my ultimate goal as her mother is to raise a happy whole human who can live a full wonderful life and I chose to be bring peace and love into the room with me. After she crawled into my lap and cried, she got down and picked up a collection of fairytales. We read her favorites and without complaint we walked to her bed, cuddled up and she fell asleep.
I am not promising that this tool will end so nicely each time you use it but, I feel that I can guarantee that it won’t prolong the situation or make it worse. It also makes it a whole lot easier to handle as an adult. (Full disclosure: after she went down I needed a big hug, a moment to cry, and some processing time with my husband.)
Government schools have been spending millions of dollars for the last decade on emotional intelligence programs, seriously MILLIONS. This situation is the absolute best emotional intelligence curriculum ever to exist. Start audibly acknowledging the feelings that come up for you and even more importantly audibly acknowledge how you are managing them. For example, when you start to have your own meltdown say out loud “I am feeling anxious about getting my project in for work and getting school done today. I am going to take a few minutes to breathe and make a plan.” Invite your children to do this with you.
One thing that has helped to lower my overall state of ‘freak out’ has been to create a little note on my bathroom mirror with a few things that I absolutely adore about each of the people in my home. It is easy right now to see the people in our home as sources of stress or burden. It can be incredibly tempting to think, “if I was the only one here x,y, and z would be easier/better”. But, the truth is that while this time is incredibly challenging the time with our children is also a gift. Time with our children is not something that we usually get more of.
Take a breath. You can work through these tough moments with empathy for your child’s experience and for your own. You have got this. Have grace for yourself and know that this will not be forever.
**If you are struggling to manage your emotions safely and effectively please reach out for help. There are many resources available to you, especially during this challenging time. We are here for you.