August's Journal Prompt - A Safe Space
As we all head into the new school year with our curricula plans, our ideas of what the school year will look like, the full roster of activities and the things we hope to cover, there is one thing that for myself, I found important to pay special attention to. Being a safe space.
In June, I was having a few bad days. A lot was coming up for me and I was going through one of those weeks where you just feel awful so you treat everyone else around you kind of awful too. I wasn't nice to my peoples, not my babies, nor my husband. It was one of those weeks where your ugly just comes out. Some of it out of frustration, some of it out of discontent, some of it out of bad coping mechanisms, and some of it purely out of bad habit. It started with me realizing how my children retract from me when I scold them, when I get angry with them or when I react too harshly. Key word - retract. You know what happens when my children retract? They disconnect from me. What I realized through this, is that what we ALL need TO connect, to learn, to grow, is to feel safe. Connection to each other and to other things is what enables us to understand, to grow, to learn, to move forward. Isn't that exactly what we want when we are teaching our children? We need them to make the connections in order to keep moving forward...
But my children were retracting from me! "How in the world am I going to homeschool?!," I thought. When other mothers find out I homeschool the most common response I get is somewhere along the lines of, "I don't know how you do that, I couldn't handle it." or "I couldn't do it, I need the break." So, in case you were wondering - I am clearly not always handling it. But this is when it's important for me to take a step back and reassess. If I'm acting this way because I'm just plain tired and grumpy, LAWD KNOWS, IMA BE WORSE when I have to repeat XYZ and go over simple kinder concepts 10 trillion times and am low on patience or sleep.
Here's what brought me home -- this quote.
“Be softer with you. You are a breathing thing. A memory to someone. A home to a life.
”
The way I had treated them that week was not graceful. I was harsh, I was mean. And I remembered this quote - "A memory to someone..." That part marinated with me for months the first time I heard it.
When we decided to homeschool our three children the initial reasons we started with shortly became background noise to the real reasons I now homeschool. As we enter our third year, I realize so much more the weight and purpose for us. We homeschool our children because we know it is our responsibility to turn these little humans into healthy, contributing intellectual and empathetic adults who will hopefully take what we have raised them with and pass it on to the next generation. The next generation. That means my children's children guys. Let that sink in. Because one day, the things we teach, model, preach, the things we place value on at home, the MEMORY we leave behind, those things WILL be passed on, but you know what else will be passed on? All of those bad habits we have too. Some of them are ours, some of ours were also passed on to us.
I want my children to feel safe, secure, heard, have the freedom to express themselves without judgement, unhelpful criticism, without fear, intimidation, and more. I want my children to reach their fullest ability to connect to all things, in their education, in their relationships, in their careers. But if I want that, I need to start first with my ability to be a safe space, a person that facilitates connection and growth.
In my journal I asked myself these questions, here's what I wrote down:
"What makes ME feel UNsafe?" (Disconnect)
- Judgement
- Criticism
- Unfamiliarity
- Aggressiveness
- Anger
- Discrimination
- Yelling
- Vulgarity
- Intimidation
- Fear
- Punishment
- Exclusion
"What makes me feel SAFE?" (Connect)
- Empathy
- Compassion
- Listening
- Understanding
- Freedom to express myself
- Being where I belong, a familiar place.
- Boundaries
- Familiarity
- Encouragement
- Calmness
- Help
- Inclusion
- Kindness
So, here we are - If you're heading into your first year of homeschooling let me just tell you, there ain't nothing more telling of your character, bad habits, your discipline and determination than being a parent. Motherhood does that pretty damn well. Take these first few months of homeschooling to learn what works for you, your kids, what triggers you, and why. How can you turn your disconnect moments into moments of connection instead?
I wanted to add this as a journal prompt because I think it was so important for me to take note of the way I parent my children and thinking about these things has helped me consider how I am going be of support to my kids in their academic success (and in life.) If I want my children to make connections to the world around them and to the lessons I approach them with, I need to first be sure I have created a space that allows connection. This was huge for me and I hope that it can make a difference in the way you approach your school year too.
I know we all get frustrated sometimes when things don't go as planned or our kids aren't doing what we thought they should be or could be doing at a certain point. Don't stress the academics, stress the connection. When my kids feel safe, heard, acknowledged, when they feel something is familiar, feel encouraged, supported, they will have the ability to connect to what I am teaching because they feel safe to charter new territory, safe to make mistakes, safe to explore different concepts, safe to say I don't understand. That is progress, that is facilitating space for the next step forward. That is teaching and that is learning.
If I work on my bad habits of lashing out and being mean or reacting harshly to my kids, I think my children will benefit by seeing a kinder, gentler side of me and more grace in our household. I know I won't be perfect, but I think they'll also see that there are better ways to cope with stress. If I don't work on my bad habits, the thing that hits me the most is that they will store them in their memory of me and likely pass it on to their own kids. I don't want that, I want to be better than that.
August Journal Prompt -
For this month's journal prompt I want you to make 2 lists and write about them:
- What makes me feel UNsafe?
- What makes me feel safe?
Think about how you feel when you feel unsafe. How does that affect your ability to retain information? How does that affect your ability to concentrate? To learn? Now, think about how feeling safe affects those same areas. Is it important to you to create a safe space for your kids? What bad habits in your parenting do you want to change? How do you think this will benefit your children? You don't have to answer all of these questions, but think about them and write out what comes to mind.